ADHD and me

As you may or may not know, October is ADHD Awareness Month. Now that I missed the entire month, meaning to write something about it but procrastinating for a bit then forgetting about it for a bit then meaning to get round to it but getting distracted by something or other [is that a Jay I can see out of the window? They really are quite beautiful aren’t they?] I think it’s probably about time I let you, dear reader, into the incredible time of enlightenment and understanding that I’ve experienced in the last few months.

In a nutshell, I have ADHD.

If you know me even at all well, that revelation will likely illicit the response “no shit, Sherlock” [please feel free to replace this wonderfully idiosyncratic British term with anything you might prefer which shows a total lack of surprise at something you probably assumed anyway] because it’s kind of obvious really in the way I act and interact, the way and, I suppose, in the way I write as well [I mean, what kind of person has all these parenthesised ‘by the way’ bits throughout everything they write? Yes, that’s right, someone whose brain flits off in different directions like a hummingbird seeking out the finest, sweetest droplets of nectar from the flowers in the forest. Someone with ADHD, basically].

Certainly my father [hi Dad – hope you’re enjoying your holiday] wasn’t exactly surprised. “It does explain all your school reports I suppose” was his reaction to my telling him about my diagnosis. And he’s right: my memory of those reports was littered with talk of my “potential”, “easily distracted” and of course “distracting”, talkative, . And the times where I really got into proper “trouble” it was never malicious: more often than not it was just something that happened on the spur of the moment where I impulsively did something daft to make people laugh and it all went wrong somehow.

So yeah, I’ve got ADHD. No massive surprise to lots of people. And actually, not really a surprise for me, either, which needs a little explanation. If I’ve suspected it for a while, why bother getting assessed and diagnosed? What difference does it make?

For quite a long time I’ve had the thought in my head [which is where most of my thoughts tend to wander, in case you were wondering] that, had ADHD been a ‘thing’ when I was a kid, I would have been diagnosed. I’ve even said that to people. After all, I left school in 1993 [I know, you’re shocked because I look so youthful, right?] and ADHD wasn’t recognised as a valid condition in the UK until 2000 when the National Institute of Clinical Excellence (the organisation who decide about conditions and treatments – they’re the ones who you hear about in news reports referred to as NICE) brought out their first report on the condition. I hadn’t heard of it until after I’d long gone from the school room, and to be honest, I thought ADHD was just a childhood thing anyway: more about behaviour and self-discipline than anything else. So I thought I might have had it. But adults can’t have it, and I am an adult so I must have grown out of it.

I can’t remember when I first heard about Adult ADHD. “A while back” is about as accurate as I’m going to get on that one. But I do remember still getting hooked up on the H bit of it.

The H of ADHD stands for hyperactivity of course, and whilst yeah, I fidget a bit and jig my leg when I’m sitting down and I sometimes stand up whilst I’m in a meeting because I need to stretch my legs and I’m always fiddling with whatever’s on the table in front of me… (!!) I’ve always thought that hyperactivity is about not being able to sit down and constantly jumping all over the place and running around and that ain’t me. I’m really pretty good at sitting in one place for ages when I’m doing something I’m into, like playing the piano or reading or writing something like this…

That’s another thing. I’ve always had the sense that if I concentrate on something I can be absolutely prolific. Especially if there’s a deadline coming. I’ve always had this belief that I can get things done really, really quickly when I need to. I’ve never, ever been phased by a deadline. In fact, I’ve found that I work better under pressure. I’ve even said, to close friends or colleagues in the past, that I’ve got this belief that I can smash through 4 or 5 days’ work in a couple of days, but I know that after I’ll be exhausted so if I’ve got a weeks’ work to do I’ll do it in 2 or 3 days and then coast a bit for a couple of days.

I’ve always felt that my brain worked differently from other people’s brains.

But what got me thinking that I should get a diagnosis in the first place, it in the first place and what I’ve learnt since? That’s been surprising, and enlightening, and actually life-changing. Let’s start at the beginning.

As regular readers of these pages will know, I’ve had my fair share of struggles with anxiety over the last few years. In fact, I think I’ve always struggled with it, really. I’ve always felt that if I could just turn my brain off, just for a bit, then I’d be able to relax more. I’ve always thought that I overthink things. I’ve always had a really uneasy sense of self – of who I really am. Sometimes I’m the joker, who’s irreverent and somewhat rebellious and makes people laugh and is good fun to be around, and yet in my heart of hearts I’m actually very thoughtful and introspective and sensitive and actually quite an introvert… all wrapped up in a very (sometimes excessively) extroverted package. Which one is the “real me”? Does anyone really know me at all?

I’ve always felt that it’s exhausting, being me.

[Yes, I know that using the phrase “psychodrama” underplays the emotional strain of that time and that making light of things can be counterproductive and reinforce the outdated notion that emotions and feelings are somehow not appropriate, particularly for men who find themselves, as we all do, constrained by the shackles of expectations that come with the tropes of masculinity. But if I want to make light of things for comedic effect as a way of avoiding having to get into things from time to time then by great Zeus’ mighty beard I shall do precisely that and there’s nothing you can do about it.]

If I’m honest, the end of the year once I’d come back wasn’t great either. I was pretending to be okay most of the time, whilst trying to convince myself that I was okay too. Whilst very much not being okay. Some of the pressures that had built up had dissipated but I can tell you from experience that if you ever get to the point where you feel you need to take a month off, you probably need to take more than a month off.

Anyway, I made it through with a few bumps and bruises along the way. Other things I picked up along the way included a rediscovered love of poetry, mostly via my new yoga teacher [hi Lucy – see you Friday!] which I also picked up and now can’t imagine my life without. I also learned to meditate and started journaling. Basically, all the good things that I always thought I should do but never really got round to because… well, because I have ADHD and actually getting round to things is actually quite difficult with my brain.

And perhaps the most important thing I stumbled across this year is the diagnosis itself.

That came about through a colleague who became a friend. Nice when that happens, isn’t it. [And hello to you Farhat – looking forward to eventually sorting out that date for lunch!]. This woman is probably more open and honest and direct than anyone I’ve ever met, yet kind and thoughtful with it. Deeply committed to driving change in all aspects of diversity and inclusivity, she pushes me to consider my own perspective on lots of things. I find myself questioning my beliefs in anticipation that I might need to have a friendly and vulnerable toe-to-toe debate with her, and that forces me to challenge my own thinking along the way which always ends up with a clearer perspective, more considered and more rounded than when I started. Sounds good, right?

Perhaps part of the reason for her directness, and something she was disarmingly open about from our first meeting, was that she knew she was neurodiverse, and had recently been diagnosed with autism. I have both friends and family who are “on the spectrum” and there’s a clarity of thought that can result from a neurodiverse mind that I always find fascinating to be honest.

So when she told me that she’d also been previously diagnosed with adult ADHD, I was intrigued. I knew that Adult ADHD was a thing, but I’d always had that thing about the H bit that I didn’t connect with. But my friend isn’t physically hyperactive either, really. I was keen to hear more.

She talked about how she had had to learn about how to use her energy to allow for, or indeed take advantage of, her ADHD. She told me that she was able to “hyperfocus” on a subject that interested her, but would then be exhausted afterwards…

Hmm.

She told me that sometimes she struggled to focus on things, and would jump from one thing to another and back again. I always thought I was good at multi-tasking, but she pointed out that really I was just jumping from one thing to another and back again…

Hmm.

We talked a lot about her ADHD as I was keen to learn how to make sure she felt included and that she belonged, and also so I could make sure I knew how to get the best out of her. Because the level of work that she was able to produce through harnessing that hyperfocus was just off-the-chart incredible.

The more she told me about what she had learned about her ADHD, the more I found myself sitting there thinking “That’s me”. Eventually, I asked her how she started her assessment, and she smiled and said “I do see a lot of me in you”.

That’s where the ADHD part of the story started for me. I did an assessment and I ticked virtually every box. I then did the full clinical assessment and got my diagnosis.

So, what’s changed?

Honestly, pretty much everything.

For years I’d been suffering under a cloud of anxiety, and in the end it drove me right to the edge of breakdown and depression. Yet now I felt I could reframe that anxiety as the result of undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, and now I’m being treated for the ADHD, I don’t have the anxiety in the same way at all.

As I was just starting to explore the idea of Adult ADHD I saw this tweet, and it really summed up not just my childhood but large swathes of my adult life too:

In another nutshell, this is me.

The way I’ve come to describe ADHD is that it’s your mind, and then immediately afterwards your body, overreacting to outside stimuli. The mind sees fun, or threat, or danger, or excitement and primes the body to deal with it. I’ve never been able to stop myself from making a joke, even when it’s probably not the right time. I’ve never been good at taking criticism in the moment.

ADHD doesn’t define me. But damn, it sure explains a hell of a lot.

ADHD often comes with a lower ability to regulate emotions, so it’s hard to put the breaks on when emotions start off. It’s why I’ve always worried about being very ‘up and down’ emotionally and the impact that has on the people I care about and who care about me.

The name of it really doesn’t help. ADHD isn’t a lack of attention: it causes us to pay too much attention, to everything, most of the time. Not being able to stop reacting to outside stimuli. A lack of filter.

And the hyperactivity sounds like something physical, but in fact:

The vast majority of adults with an adhd nervous system are not overtly hyperactive. They are hyperactive internally

Dr William Dodson, M.D., LF-APA

A hyperactive mind. A mind that doesn’t stop. No wonder I’ve always felt like it’s exhausting being me.

What I’ve learnt about my ADHD is just as important as getting the right treatment for it. As much as the new meds have made a big difference, just understanding myself (and my self) has allowed me to reassess how I can manage things differently in the future. In my view, it’s about pills and skills, not either/or.

Last year I was worried that my mental health problems would overwhelm me. I don’t worry about that any more. I’ve got lots more to learn, but whilst I don’t subscribe to the “ADHD is my superpower” idea I’ve seen a lot of on social media, I also don’t think it’s a burden that will drag me down either.

I was sitting up after watching the Rugby World Cup Final with an old school friend of mine last weekend [hello Nobby – hope the whisky hangover has completely gone by now] and he pointed out that whilst the ADHD might have made things difficult sometimes, on balance I’ve also had a shitload of fun along the way, and it’s probably made me good fun to be around too. He’s a wise man, my friend.

Now that I understand it better, I’m better able to understand how to harness the benefits and manage the difficulties. Now I understand it better, I can see that whilst it’s caused me problems, my ADHD has also been part of my successes too.

Now that I understand it better, I’m not sure I’d want to get rid of it even if I could.

ADHD awareness month has come and gone, but for me the awareness of my own, personal experience of ADHD has only just begun. I’m going to learn more as I go, and as I learn I’ll fill you in on anything that I think you’ll find interesting if that’s cool?

Until then, I’m just off to change a lightbulb which will end up with me having to fix my car. To find out what the hell I’m talking about – and to see the most perfect example of an ADHD day that I’ve ever come across, have a look at this little clip.

Speak again soon. Love and peace x